Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Dear Lucas

Dear Lucas,

You've been a big brother for almost 7 weeks now. What an awesome time it has been (especially when Daddy was home). We've tried really hard to make you feel special, and so have all of our family and friends with their little presents to you.

You were so lucky to have met Nora just a few minutes after she was born. What a special moment for mommy! You are so gentle when you hold her, and you love to give her hugs and kisses (even if you do smother her once in a while).

You are Mommy's little helper! You get me supplies when I'm tied up, and it's even good practice for you with following multi-step directions. "Please get me her blanket and the pink burp cloth in the basket." Once a therapy mommy, always a therapy mommy.

Nora is a more challenging baby than you were in some ways. She's not as content as you were, but my days with her are much more carefree than my early days with you were. My biggest concern with her is when she's going to want to eat next or whether she's going to keep me up all night, as opposed to whether you could hear or would need open heart surgery. As a result, I'm more willing to share her with others this time around. With you... not so much.

On the day she was born, she had her hearing tested... right in the room with Mommy. It was extremely emotional, and I cried the whole time. The nurses in the hospital still need some sensitivity training and education. Even with knowledge of your history, they still told me not to worry about it, and if she didn't pass, it was probably just fluid in her ears. We're the wrong family to tell that to! Here is the screen that we saw:

She passed her hearing screening in both ears. She can hear. The results really evoked mixed emotions for me. Although we are elated that Nora will not have to endure what you did (the tests, surgeries, therapies, etc) or go through the life long struggles of living with a hearing loss, somehow rejoicing too much in the results was also the same as saying that you are not perfect just the way you are, and that we somehow love you less. Needless to say, we have not shouted her hearing results from the rooftops with joy, but rather whispered them with some sense of relief and ease. It's very personal. I think only some of my fellow hearing loss mommies might understand.

I worry about the day when you start to ask me why Nora doesn't have ears like you. For now, you don't seem to be particularly concerned about it. ever. We have yet to have any of those difficult conversations. Sometimes I try to initiate them, and you just move on. You know what your ears are called, and that you need them to hear, and that's about it. Although you ask "why" about 1,000 times a day, that has yet to be one of your questions. The word "deaf" has yet to come up either. Maybe I'm as bad as the audiologists we worked with in the very beginning, but I'm just so hesitant to teach you to label yourself already. You are still only 3. But not for long!

I'm enjoying my time at home with you and Nora IMMENSELY. You did ask me the other day if I was going to work so Oma could wake you up in the morning. Nope... not for 9 more months. Yippee!

I can't wait to watch you grow up with Nora. We can only hope and pray that she is as sweet, witty and feisty as you are. You will teach her much about the world around her. It's scary to think that by the time Nora is your current age, you'll be almost 8. I hope that day doesn't come too soon.

I love you with all of my heart,



Lily's Mom said...

Okay, now the tears are streaming down my face! :) I had the same feelings; not knowing if it would be easier for Alexander to have hearing loss like Lily or not. I never want Lily to feel like she's so different. I want her to have someone to relate to. Anyway, when it all comes down to it, someone all knowing is making the decisions. So glad you are enjoying your time home with your babies!

Kat said...

One of the sweetest things that I've ever read...you are such an awesome Mommy!

Bill and Shelly said...

Wait, while I go grab a tissue....there that's better.
Yes, I am one of those mommies that can fully understand your feelings when you got the results of Nora's hearing test. We had to wait about 24 hours until we knew for sure that Jordan had passed his( although, I was pretty sure after he about jumped out of his skin when the phone rang in my room). As soon as the nurse told me the results, I woke Bill up and told him, his response was "Praise the Lord", the nurse looked at both of us like we were nuts, I had to explain to her about Jared and Allison. She had tears in her eyes after hearing our story. We make sure that Jared and Allison know that they were created for a very special reason and they will understand things that Jordan will never understand. You are doing an amazing job with Lucas, what a great advocate and teacher you are for him.

Susannah said...

Oh my goodness, this made me cry. YES. I totally get it, and I felt the same way. It's all mixed up in there isn't it! (i just went back to check and see if I posted on it- yep- we have a very similar story! http://goodbuthard.blogspot.com/2010/06/passfail.html) Also, I love "once a therapy mommy..." So true. Can't believe how bug Lucas is getting and that it has almost been 3 years! Wow- time flies!!!

Danielle said...

beautiful... im in tears