Have you ever stopped to think about all the sounds you hear in a day? We take for granted this very special sense. Your alarm wakes you up, then you hear the water in the shower, brushing your teeth, shutting the door, hearing the cat meow, starting the car, the music on the car radio, the birds outside, the siren on an ambulance, even the air conditioning. My only annoyance with the window air conditioner in ours and Lucas' room, is that I can no longer hear him breathing over the monitor. I used to be able to wake up and listen, but now I have to get up and check on him. He doesn't know my voice, nor his Daddy's voice, and he can't hear his cousin scream at the the top of her lungs. Today that was a good thing, because he was sleeping. But how excited I would have been, had he woken up startled and crying.
I try to picture a complete absence of sound, and it's so hard to do. The other night, I forgot to turn the sound on our tv back from the DVD player, so I had to watch the tv in silence (I couldn't get up at the time). It was so annoying! I was watching "So You Think You Can Dance." I tried to read lips, and I did a little bit, but it was just not the same watching them dance without the music. That's Lucas' reality. We watch the Baby Einstein DVDs, and he can't hear the music. At least it's visually stimulating though, and the puppets and caterpillar make him laugh out loud.
Lucas really hears nothing. Even after turning up his hearing aids, and wearing an FM system, he will not react to anything. Maybe it's a function of age, but he's had the hearing aids for 3 months now, and nothing. I try to elicit a reaction. I find loud things in the house and stand so that he can't see me. Nothing. I work on the ling sounds (ah, ee, oo, m, sh, s) that he needs to access language. I thought last week sometime that I was getting a reaction to "ah", but not any more. I just can't easily reproduce 90 db at home. And even if I could, it might sound like a whisper to him.
I seriously ask myself on a daily basis why God would have done this to Lucas. I really wish I knew, but I know that I will never, ever know. I hope that the pain will some day go away, but right now it's still very, very real. I haven't quite made it to Holland where I can at least understand some of the language, since there are many similarities to German. I'm currently stuck in French-speaking Belgium. I guess there's at least amazing chocolate and awesome beer there though. I'm still on my way. We will make it to Italy someday, I'm certain of it (or at least Italian-speaking Switzerland, where I think I like it better anyway).
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5 comments:
I remember having those thoughts....asking why the God that I love SO much would do this to our family. How could HE do this to us? I remember sitting in church, on Easter....which is supposed to be the most joyous day of the year, crying, asking why He forgot about us.
Over time, you'll realize that God didn't forget about you. You'll realize that HE CHOSE YOU to be Lucas' parents for a very special reason. Please check out this post on my blog. It's about being CHOSEN by God to be your little one's Mommy:
http://livelaughlovefamily.blogspot.com/2007/11/chosen.html
Hang in there with his responses. It may be his age. Over time, he'll become more aware. The last thing you need to do is bang pots and pans around him. It'll make you go crazy. Trust me. I did it, and I've been there.
I completely agree with Christian's mommy. Remember, I told you the exact same thing when you first shared the news about Lucas. I told you that I had no idea what an amazing person "my secret sister" was, but that you surely must be amazing because only AMAZING people are chosen to care for special kids. Keep telling yourself that everyday, and someday, you will believe it!
Hey Jenny,
I can certainly understand where you're coming from. I wish I had an answer for you... or words of wisdom, but I don't. All I can offer you is the knowledge (which I suspect that you already have) that you have a beautiful little boy; one who will probably grow up to amaze you every day. He'll make you laugh and twist your heart and soul around in ways you've never thought possible. ~ I've learned that from my husband's neices. So I can only imagine what it will be like when I have my own. :-) I'm happy for you, on that level.
On another note, I saw where you added me in facebook. As soon as Mark (hubby) gets his computer out of lockdown, I'll get in there and figure out how to get everything up and running! I promise I'm not ignoring anyone! :-)
Talk soon!
I've hit the mute button on the tv myself, just to see if I could read lips ... of course I couldn't, but I just sat there and watched the show, with no sound, and cried. It was all I had to try to be in Aiden's world, but even then I heard the humming of the air conditioner or my other kids upstairs. Oh how I want to experience what he is, just to understand that much more what it's like to be deaf.
I do believe we are chosen by God and Lucas is very lucky to have you all as parents. I have those hard days too where I just want to scream "why my baby?!" and then he smiles at me and it wipes my tears away.
I hope, along with you, that one day the pain will go away, and I have faith it will. One day though, we will have a toast to our boys, with a great tasting Dutch beer!
Our son, Isaac has been implanted for almost 2 years and will get a second sequential implant in September. I can understand exactly how you feel. I too questioned God as to why he would do this to Isaac. I now am learning. We have met so many amazing people on our journey that we never would have crossed paths with had this not happened. God has chosen you to be the parents of this amazing little one. Christian's mommy is right. God didn't forget about you. You have the special gifts needed to parent Lucas. To love him and give him every opportunity to live a happy and successful life. Every milestone he reaches will warm your heart. Lucas will change so many people's lives and give hope to so many people. I am sure of it. We are sending thoughts and prayers your way.
Shiloh, Isaac and family
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